It’s going to be a good day, and it’s all because our 20-year-old daughter, Emma, is having trouble with her cellphone.
Sometimes Emma’s cellphone works, and sometimes it doesn’t work. What that means is when Emma is playing music on her phone, or texting friends, or watching videos or launching nuclear missile strikes (I think you can do that with your cellphone), it will stop working — leaving her phoneless.
It’s a catastrophe, is what it is.
So today (which is Friday), after my wife gets done with her manicure and pedicure and Emma gets finished at the gym, the two of them are going to that large store in Joplin that sells electronics, TVs, computers, cellphones and a whole bunch of other stuff to see if someone can fix her phone.
When my wife called to tell me about their plans, she asked if I wanted to go with them.
“Good Lord, no,” I said.
“What if we need to get new phones?” my wife asked.
“Go ahead,” I said.
The problem, as my wife explained to me, was that if Emma and my wife needed to get new phones, then I would also need to get a new phone. Now, personally, I don’t understand why one person needing to get a new phone necessitates all of us getting new phones, but apparently it does.
That’s not the way it works with cars. If suddenly my car stops working and I need to get a new one, that doesn’t mean that my wife and Emma also need to get new cars.
At least, I hope it doesn’t.
According to my wife, the reason why all of us would need to get a new phone if one of us needs to get a new phone is because of “our plan.”
“Get a new plan,” I said.
My wife said we couldn’t get a new plan. According to my wife, we all need to be on the same plan. That way, instead of paying three outrageous monthly bills, we only have to pay one incredibly outrageous bill.
“I see,” I said — although, as I think I’ve mentioned many times before, I seldom see.
According to my wife, I need to go with her and Emma in case we all need to get new phones.
The problem is that I would rather have my teeth pulled by a first-year dental student who hasn’t yet taken “Novocain 101” than get a new cellphone.
It takes hours, sometimes days, to get a new cellphone. The reason it takes hours, sometimes days, to get a new cellphone is because of something called “The Cloud.” I first heard about “The Cloud” two cellphones ago. I didn’t understand what it was then, and I still don’t understand what it is. All I know is that all the information in the world is somewhere in “The Cloud.”
What happens when you get a new cellphone is that all the information on your old cellphone needs to be either sent to or pulled from “The Cloud,” and depending on how much information you have on your phone, this process can take a while.
For my wife and Emma, the process can take several hours. For me, it takes about 30 seconds.
I don’t have a lot of information on my phone.
Because I hate getting new cellphones, I came up with a brilliant solution to avoid having to go with my wife and Emma.
“Take my phone,” I said.
“But that means you will have to go without your cellphone for a while,” my wife said with a look of shock and horror on her face.
“Give me one good reason I need to have my cellphone,” I said to my wife.
She thought for a minute. Then she thought for another minute.
“You’re right. Give me your cellphone,” she said.
Yep, it’s going to be a good day.