I’m staying out of it.
That’s been my stance regarding disputes between my wife and our 20-year-old daughter, Emma, since we first brought her home.
Veteran dads will tell you that when it comes to a dispute between their wife and their daughter, ignorance is the best policy.
A wife may ask her husband: “Do you know what your daughter did?”
“No,” the husband will then say to his wife, and just like that, he’s off the hook.
Well, not just like that, but sort of like that. Sometimes a veteran dad must display Congress creature-level ignorance to be totally off the hook.
My wife and Emma have been working on a housing contract for Emma’s senior year of college. Emma is just now starting her junior year, but apparently in college towns, it’s important to work an entire year ahead.
I say “apparently” because I don’t know that for sure what with me being ignorant and all.
Friday morning, my wife and I went to the bank to have the housing contract notarized so we could then overnight it back to Emma so she can submit it to the owner of the house she plans to rent next year.
But my wife decided she should double check with Emma to be sure that the contract needed to go to her or if we should send it straight to the owner of the house.
“She has class until noon today,” my wife said. “So I’ll send her a text, and I’ll have her text you after her class.”
I don’t know how my wife knew that Emma was in class until noon on Friday, but then again, I just recently discovered that Emma is in college.
It’s now 2:20 Friday afternoon and I still haven’t heard from Emma, and a few minutes ago, the following texts popped up on my phone:
Text from my wife to Emma: Emma need to get this overnighted.
Text from Emma to my Wife: What?
Text from my wife to Emma: Read the text I sent you this morning about the lease.
There are certain times when I can her my wife’s anger in a text. This was one of those times.
Emma hasn’t responded to my wife’s latest text, but when she does, I’m pretty sure you will be able to hear the eye rolling in her response. Which, in turn, will cause my wife to send a text that will be covered in anger. Now, to be honest, I’m not sure you can send a text covered in anger, but if anyone can, it would be my wife.
Now, if I were a rookie dad, I would pick up my phone and send a text saying something like: “Now, now. No use getting mad at each other. Emma, your mom is just trying to help you, and Marybeth Bobbi Sue (not my wife’s real name), Emma is a busy college student and probably didn’t get a chance to read your text.” But, that would have prompted both my wife and Emma to send the following text: “HOW DARE YOU TAKE HER SIDE?”
So, I feign (it’s a word — I looked it up) ignorance.
My wife just called me on my cellphone to complain about Emma. My wife said she sent a text directly to Emma and that Emma sent a somewhat sarcastic text back to her. Then my wife said, “I told her ‘Look, Missy, we are doing this for you. Your father and I are both working right now. This is a free ride for you and …”
Well, I don’t know what else my wife said because I told my wife that I had to get back to my column and then I hung up.
Hey, I may be ignorant, but I’m not stupid.