Karma is listening

I don’t want to hear it, so stop talking about them.

I don’t care if they’ve won two road games and that their new quarterback is doing an impression of some sort of Johnny Unitas, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Dan Marino all rolled into one person. And, I definitely don’t want anyone talking to me about the Super Bowl.

So stop it.

Sigh. I’ve said this before and I will probably say it many more times: I like it better when the Kansas City Chiefs are terrible.

There’s no pressure when the team you root for is terrible. That’s why Kansas City Royals fans seem so happy this year while St. Louis Cardinals fans, such as myself, are nervous wrecks.

Right now, the St. Louis Cardinals are a playoff team. But that could change this weekend. Or this week. Or next weekend.

As a sports fan, that is no way to live.

Kansas City Royals fans knew on the opening day of the season that their team was not going to make the playoffs. So just like that, they had a stress-free season.

The St. Louis Cardinals are rarely terrible. They might not always be great but they’re rarely terrible, so every season for Cardinal fans is stressful.

For most of my life the Kansas City Chiefs have shifted back and forth from great to terrible. When they’re great I’m worried, and when they’re terrible I’m not worried.

Sure, it’s sort of a backward way to deal with reality, but it’s how I cope with life.

Worry when things are going well and relax when they’re not.

Last week I wrote about how I managed to shatter one of our glass, sliding shower doors. Did I get angry when I shattered the shower door? Did I worry when I shattered the shower door?

No I did not. And you want to know why? Because I shattered a shower door. What else could go wrong after that?

Now if I had managed to fix the shower door without shattering it, I would have worried because I seldom am able to fix things.

To me, successfully fixing something is a clear provocation for Karma. If Karma sees me successfully fixing something, Karma will say, “Well, we can’t have that. I’ll break the hot water heater. I know he can’t fix that.”

But if Karma sees me shatter a shower door, Karma will probably say, “That poor (bad word). He’s had enough. I’ll leave him alone.”

Now, this doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy being happy or that I don’t want things to go well. I do. I just don’t get too happy when things are going well. Getting too happy is another way to get Karma’s attention.

And not in a good way.

That’s why I don’t want to hear all this happy talk about the Kansas City Chiefs. Happy talk about the Chiefs rarely turns out well.

A few weeks ago I was lucky enough to run into Carl Peterson, former Chiefs general manager, and former Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil at a restaurant in Kansas City, and I got to chat with them a bit about football. The two men were responsible for some of the greatest seasons in Kansas City Chiefs’ history.

From left to right Carl Peterson, Dick Vermeil and Mike Pound. Mike has is hands folded as if offering a pray and Carl and Dick have bemused looks on their faces.
Here I am preparing to offer up a prayer to Karma while Dick Vermeil and Carl Peterson look at me as if I’m crazy.

But they couldn’t beat Karma.

So please, keep all your happy talk about the Kansas City Chiefs to yourself because I don’t want to hear it.

And Karma, if you hear someone else saying hopeful things about the Chiefs this weekend, don’t get upset. They’re probably new fans. They don’t know any better.

So Sunday afternoon I will spend my time switching back and forth between the Kansas City Chiefs football game and the St. Louis Cardinals baseball game.

And Karma, if you’re reading this, can you do me a favor and cut me some slack?

I shattered a shower door last week, remember?