Rebranding doesn’t fool anyone

Hey, we’re not stupid, you know.

And when I say, “We’re not stupid,” I, of course, mean regular people, not Congress Creatures.

The reason I’m saying we’re not stupid is because of David Hoffman. David is the CEO of Dunkin’ Brands, the company that owns the Dunkin’ Donuts chain.

According to a bunch of news reports that I read online because I clearly have too much time on my hands, David is under the impression that we are stupid.

David believes that we are so stupid that he can just change the name of his Dunkin’ Donuts chain to just Dunkin’ in the hopes, I guess, that we’ll forget that his company ever sold doughnuts.

But we’re not Congress Creatures. We will remember. Look, the reason Dunkin’ was included in the name in the first place is because people dunk their doughnuts into their Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.

It seems to me that if you drop Donuts from the name, then you’re left with a lonely verb forced to become a noun, and that doesn’t make sense.

And in the interest of time, I’m not even going to ask what happened to the “g” in Dunkin’.

By the way, excuse me if you are confused by the way I’m spelling the word “doughnut.” The folks at Dunkin’ Donuts, long ago, chose the more causal spelling while other people — specifically the folks connected with The Associated Press Stylebook, which most newspapers follow — prefer “doughnuts.”

I’m told that debates between the “donut” and “doughnut” camps can become quite heated. Those same people also argue over the correct use of the word “whom”.

According to the numerous news stories I read online, the reason David wants to drop Donuts from his company’s name is to emphasize that it has now become a “beverage-led company.”

To me, Anheuser-Busch is a beverage-led company; Dunkin’ Donuts is a doughnut-led company.

But I could be wrong. I guess because I’m an old person I’ve never gotten into the whole coffee/tea shop craze. When I drink coffee, I do it in the morning shortly after I’ve stumbled out of bed. After I have had enough to allow me to move around our house without stumbling, I stop drinking coffee.

But apparently a lot of people like to drink coffee at all hours of the day at coffee shops with irritating names such as Brew Hut or Coffee Commando or Slug of the Mug or Starbucks.

That last one was a joke. Who would name a coffee shop Starbucks?

And, I guess, because people like to drink coffee in coffee shops, David thinks it’s a good idea to drop Donuts from his company name.

“Our new branding is one of the many things we are doing as part of our blueprint for growth to modernize the Dunkin’ experience for our customer,” is what David said in a statement.

When I read David’s statement, three thoughts crossed my mind.

Thought No. 1: Who talks that way?

Thought No. B: The “Dunkin’ experience”?

Thought No. III: Seriously, who talks that way?

To be fair, David might have a point. According to what I read, beverages — especially coffee — make up 60 percent of Dunkin’ Donuts’ U.S. business. The name change, the thinking goes, will allow the company to draw attention to its coffee, teas, speedy service and to-go foods.

In fact, I either read or am making this up, originally the idea was to change the name Dunkin’ Donuts to Coffee, Teas, Speedy Service and To-Go Foods, but someone did a cost analysis on the necessary signage and opted to go with Dunkin’.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to examine my blueprint for growth in order to modernize the column experience for my reader.

In other words, have a beer.