Embrace technology? It’s easier to call ‘a guy’

I’m not good with technology.

It’s not that I don’t embrace it. I do — assuming you can embrace technology. I mean you can’t embrace technology in the physical sense unless you attempt to physically embrace one of those watch things that counts your steps, monitors your pulse and changes the oil in your car.

But if you physically embraced one of those watches, people might think you were odd which you would know because, among all the other things they do, the watches also tell you when someone thinks you’re odd.

OK. I’m exaggerating here. Those watches don’t tell you when people think you’re odd, but wouldn’t it be cool if they did?

Think of all the time that would save, and who knows: The watches might even reduce the number of people doing odd things. Or increase the number.

With technology, you never know.

So rather than say I embrace technology, maybe I should just say that I appreciate technology. I didn’t used to appreciate technology. I used to mock technology but then I realized I was starting to sound like one of those old guys railing about “them dang-blasted horseless carriages.”

In case you were wondering, after 19 years of writing columns I think that was the first time I ever used the phrase “dang-blasted.”

I thought you should know that.

But even though I appreciate technology, I’m not good at doing technological things. I can’t fix our Wi-Fi when it goes haywire. I don’t even know how Wi-Fi works. How could I be expected to fix it when it doesn’t?

Actually, I don’t know how most things work. I just turn something on. If it works, I’m fine, and if it doesn’t, I turn it off. Then I turn it back on. If it still doesn’t work, I call a guy. I’ve found that no matter the piece of technology you have, there is always a guy you can call who can fix it.

Of course, it usually costs lots of money to have a piece of technology fixed, but that’s why there are some many guys.

If it didn’t cost lots of money, there would only be one guy. One busy guy.

The other day, I had to go to one of those big stores that sell mainly office stuff to buy a new printer for my computer.

The reason I had to buy a new printer was because there was something wrong with our old printer. Here is what was wrong with our old printer: The people who make it decided to stop selling ink for it.

If you ask me, that’s a pretty passive-aggressive way for a company to turn its back on a product.

“Oh, no, it’s not your printer. It’s the ink.”

See, I thought that because our printer was only about 5 years old, the people who made it should still be selling ink for it, but I’ve been told that I am naive.

According to several people I spoke with, a 5-year-old printer is the equivalent slightly used telegraph machine.

“You’re lucky if you can get two or three years out of a printer,” a friend told me.

So, basically a printer is pretty much like a member of Trump’s administration

I looked at all of the printers at the large office store and picked the one that looked the least intimidating. Then I asked a guy who worked there if the printer was hard to install.

“No, no,” he said. “All you need to do is …”

Well I don’t know exactly what he said because I quit listening after he said something that sounded like “download software”.

When I got the printer home, I took it out of the box, and a mere eight hours later, I had a newly installed printer.

Now, I just need some printer paper.

I’m going to call a guy.