At first, I wasn’t sure I was even going to watch the game, which this year is called Super Bowl CCCLLLX.
By the way, do you think that the NFL marketing genius who decided to use Roman numerals for the Super Bowl thought the idea all the way through? Don’t you think it should have occurred to the NFL that sooner or later the number of Super Bowls would outpace our knowledge of Roman numerals?
We couldn’t even catch on to the metric system, so why would the NFL think we would be able to track Roman numerals past X?
Be honest, when was the last time you used Roman numerals?
The reason I wasn’t sure I was going watch the Super Bowl this year is because I don’t like either of the teams playing in the game.
I don’t like the Los Angeles Rams because their greedy owner tried to hold up the city of St. Louis for a Mississippi River-load of money and when he didn’t get it decided to take his team to Los Angeles. For even more money.
But then I realized that it would be stupid to dislike an NFL team just because its owner was greedy when being greedy is the way you get to own an NFL team.
It’s the first question on the NFL team ownership job interview.
NFL: Tell me, why should we let you own an NFL team?
Prospective Owner: Well, I’m a people person.
Prospective Owner: I’m just kidding. I’m a greedy (bad word).
NFL: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. Here’s your team.
The reason I don’t like the New England Patriots is because they beat the Kansas City Chiefs to get to the Super Bowl. But I realized that was a pretty stupid reason to dislike a team.
As a Chiefs fan, sure, I would rather that they were in the Super Bowl. But then I realized that the worst thing that could happen — as a Chiefs fan — is for the Patriots to look bad in the Super Bowl. Better for them to win and the Chiefs to be able to say, “Well, at least we got beaten by the Super Bowl champion.”
So I can’t really hate the Rams just because their owner is greedy, and I can’t hate the Patriots just because they beat the Chiefs.
I mean, I could, I guess. But it would be misguided hate.
So this year, I’ll do what I’ve always done: Watch the Super Bowl but not care which team wins.
Seriously, when was the last time you really cared who won the Super Bowl?
So sometime Sunday afternoon, I will turn to one of the Super Bowl pregame shows, most of which began last month, and listen to morons babble. Then to drown out the babble, I will get a beer and check on the pan of pulled pork from Clouds Meat Processing in the oven. Then, I’ll turn off the morons babbling for a while and read a book while the pulled pork simmers in the oven.
Oh, and I might get another beer.
Later, my wife will probably come into the room and ask me what time the game starts. Only she won’t actually ask me what time the game starts. Instead, she asks me what time the Super Bowl commercials start.
Like most people, my wife has never cared about who wins the Super Bowl. She just cares about the commercials.
Later, I’ll watch the game not caring who wins, and my wife will watch the commercials. At halftime, a band called Maroon XXLL will perform, only no one will care because they will either be:
A: In the bathroom.
II: Getting a beer.
C: Waiting for more commercials.
And then, sometime around midnight, the Super Bowl and the commercials will be over, and it will be time to look forward to next year.
Super Bowl CCCLLLXX.IV.