Soap operas same as they ever were

It’s Friday afternoon, and my wife is upstairs watching a soap opera on TV.

That’s what my wife does whenever she gets an unexpected day off from work. She watches soap operas on TV.

Well, that’s not exactly accurate. My wife doesn’t just watch any soap opera. She only watches a couple specific soap operas. I think the names of the soap operas my wife watches are “Days of Our Nights” or “Hearts of Artichokes” or “I’ve Been Stuck on This Damn Soap Opera for 30 Years Why Can’t I Catch a Break?”

But I’m not sure.

The thing about soap operas is that they never change. My wife has been watching the same soap operas for more than 30 years. But because, normally, my wife is working during the day, she only gets to watch the soap operas a couple times a year. But whenever she does get a chance to watch them, she is immediately able to figure out who has done something horrible to a family member, who has cheated on which spouse, who has been charged with a horrible crime that they didn’t commit and who was offsides, therefore nullifying an interception that would have ended the game and sent the Kansas City Chiefs to the Super Bowl.

Wait, that last one might have been something I watched. Not that I’m bitter or anything.

My point is, as I think I’ve already mentioned, is that soap operas never change.

Or at least that’s what I’ve been able to gather from my wife.

Friday morning, my wife announced that she was going to be busy from 11 to noon.

“That’s nice,” I said.

“I mean it,” my wife said. “I don’t won’t to be bothered. I will be watching my soap opera.”

“That’s nice,” I said,

See, I had no intention of bothering my wife from 11 until noon on Friday morning.

I intended to drink some more coffee, finish the crossword puzzle in the paper and, at some point, try to figure out what to write about in this column.

I’m not exactly a deep thinker.

It’s good not to be a deep thinker. If you make a habit of being a deep thinker you have to worry about drowning. That’s why I prefer being a shallow thinker. I try to just think up to my ankles so I don’t have to worry about drowning. Or getting washed away.

When I think, I try to never get to far from shore which is why I’m writing about soap operas and not, let’s say, a certain orange president declaring a national emergency that he said he didn’t actually have to declare but did so because he wanted to because the country was in the worst shape it’s ever been except for when he said the country was in the best shape it’s ever been in the history of it ever being.

I think that’s what he said, but I don’t know, what with me not being a deep thinker and all.

Later, after watching her soap operas, my wife will watch shows where women sit around and yell at each other, shows hosted by doctors who probably aren’t really doctors and talk shows where everyone is happy because the people in the audiences (women) get great prizes that only women would appreciate.

All of this is why, when I’m home by myself during the day, I never turn on the TV. I’m not a fan of soap operas, shows featuring women yelling at each other or hosted by doctors who probably aren’t really doctors, or talk shows where everyone is happy.

Instead, I work on this column. And when I said I “work” on this column, I mean I search the internet for news about the St. Louis Cardinals or the Kansas City Chiefs. And then write about soap operas and not a certain orange president.

I did mention that I wasn’t a deep thinker, didn’t I?