On Bizarro World and deodorant

It happened so quickly that I didn’t even realized what was going on until it was too late.

By the time I figured out what the problem was I had almost given up.

“What’s the use of going on?” I asked myself.

It was a normal reaction. It was what anyone would think if suddenly everything that made sense in their life had been turned upside down. If suddenly everything that a person thought was true was actually false. If suddenly everything a person knew and had ever known was wrong.

I was in Augusta, Kansas heading to Wichita to visit my aunt and uncle when I pulled into the large, 24-hour retail store in the town. Like it is in most small towns the large, 24-hour retail is located just off the highway that runs through Augusta.

I stopped at the store because I needed to buy deodorant. Now, I don’t want you to think that I randomly decided to stop in a small Kansas town to buy deodorant. It wasn’t as if I was driving through the Flint Hills, took a whiff and said “Whoa, I need to buy some deodorant.”

I mean I’m a guy, but I’m not gross.

Here’s a reader’s tip for you: For the next several paragraphs I will be talking about deodorant so if you would rather skip ahead…I’m guessing about eight or nine paragraphs…and catch up with the rest of us later please feel free.

The reason I stopped in Augusta was because, sometime ago, my wife and I started using the same deodorant. Well, I’ve always used the same deodorant, it was my wife who stopped using hers and started using mine. Apparently, the roll-on stuff my wife had been using was causing some sort of problem so she opted to go with the spray stuff I use.

I don’t know, exactly, when my wife started using my deodorant because, as a male person, I know better than to ask questions about bathroom supplies.

Male persons, who share bathrooms with female persons, learn very quickly not to ask questions about bathroom supplies. Male persons, who share bathrooms with female persons, learn very quickly that they are to only worry about their own bathroom supplies. Anything else is on a need to know basis.

It was only when I noticed that I was going through deodorant quicker than usual that I figured out my wife was using mine.

Me: Are you using my deodorant?

Wife: Yes.

Me: (Waiting for an explanation).

Me: (After a few seconds) I see.

Wife: Whatever.

What happened was, as I was packing for Wichita, I realized that we only had one can of deodorant. My first thought was to take the lone can of deodorant and let my wife fend for herself.

I have to admit my first thought was quite tempting. But then my first thought continued on to the phone call I would receive from my wife when she discovered that I took our lone can of deodorant leaving her to fend for herself.

So, I decided it would be better if I stopped somewhere on the way to Wichita and bought my own deodorant.

As I got out of my car and started walking through the parking lot of the large, 24-hour retail store in Augusta I thought about buying something else in addition to deodorant.

See, I didn’t want to seem like a guy who was going through some sort of emergency so severe that he had to stop at a large, 24-hour retail store in Kansas just to buy deodorant.

But then I changed my mind. I’m not much of a people person and if someone thought I was having a deodorant emergency, I figured they would keep their distance from me. I know I would keep my distance from someone if I saw them in a large, 24-hour retail store, buying just one can of deodorant.

So, when I entered the doors of the large, 24-hour retail store in Augusta, I turned left to head towards the health and beauty supplies.

That’s when my world turned upside down.

“Good Lord, what fresh hell is this?” I thought. “Who put the Duck Dynasty T-shirts where the avocados belong?”

And it wasn’t just the T-shirts that were in the wrong place. Looking way past the T-shirts, I saw TVs and computers WHERE THE POTATO CHIPS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE.

“What sort of savages live like this?” I thought.

It was as if I was living in some sort of Bizzarro World. Up was down. Left was right. Trump made sense.

I wandered around the store in a daze for a few minutes hoping to find a semblance of reason in all of the madness.

I was like an anthropologist who discovers a lost tribe in the depths of some remote jungle and decides to live with its members in an attempt to get an understanding of their culture.

“Oh, now I see. It’s a space issue. That’s why they shrink the heads.”

But it was no use. Try as I might, I could not make sense of where I was. Finally, in desperation, I asked a store clerk where I could find the deodorant aisle.

She looked at me for a second and then pointed towards what should have been the shoe department.

“Is that all you’re buying?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “Why?”

“Nothing,” she said as she slowly moved away from me.

But I didn’t care. I just grabbed a can of deodorant, paid for it at the self-checkout aisle, rushed out the door and back into a world that made sense again.

A world in which Duck Dynasty T-shirts and avocados know their place.

And Trump is still crazy.