This time I won’t upset the dog.
I’m not always the-shall we say-most controlled watcher of televised professional football games.
Specifically, I’m not always the-shall we say-most controlled watcher of televised professional football games when one of the teams playing in said televised professional football game is from Kansas City and goes by the name of the “Chiefs.”
When I watch televised professional football games featuring a team from Kansas City that goes by the name of the “Chiefs” I tend to express my feelings in a verbal manner.
And when I say in a “verbal manner” I don’t mean in this manner.
“Oh dear. I believe that nice man in the striped shirt may have inadvertently dropped a yellow flag on the field thereby negating the touchdown just scored by the Chiefs. Fudge. I’m ever so disappointed.”
No, when I say in a “verbal manner” this is what I mean.
“HOLDING!!!! ARE YOU (BAD WORD) CRAZY? IN WHAT (EXTREMELY BAD WORD) WORLD IS THAT HOLDING? HOW CAN YOU CALL HOLDING ON A GUY WHO THE (BAD WORD USED BOTH AS A VERB AND AN ADJECTIVE) REPLY CLEARLY SHOWS WASN’T EVEN ON THE FIELD? YOU ARE THE WORST (LONG STRING OF BAD WORDS THAT WOULD HAVE REQUIRED MONTHS WORTH OF CONFESSIONS TO A PRIEST WHEN I WAS KID) REFEREE I HAVE SEEN!!!!!”
After expressing my feelings in such a manner, my wife would come into the room and say, “Mike, what’s wrong with the dog? She just ran upstairs like she was scared to death.”
And I would say, “Beats me. She was fine a few minutes ago.”
See, what happens, I think, is the dog doesn’t understand I’m watching a football game. So when she is awakened from a dream in which she is chasing an extremely slow squirrel, by the sound of me yelling at the TV, she thinks I’m yelling at her and runs upstairs.
And this doesn’t just happen to our current dog Caicos. It also used to happen to our German shepherd Shilo and before that our border collie Shadow.
And for that I blame myself.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, sometimes I kill myself.
No, I don’t blame myself I, of course, blame the (ANOTHER LONG STRING OF BAD WORDS) REFEREE!
I should point out that I don’t tend to express my feelings like that when I happened to catch a Chiefs game in person. When I happened to catch a Chiefs game in person the feelings I would loudly express tended to sound like this.
“ARE YOU (BAD WORD) CRAZY? $15 FOR A BEER? REALLY? OK I’LL TAKE TWO BUT NO MORE. OH AND GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE $10 HOTDOGS.”
By the way, when I watch football at home, I don’t charge myself for beer.
The problem has been that, until last year, I was what had been commonly referred to “a long-suffering Chiefs fan.”
What that meant is-follow me here- I, like most Chiefs fans, had suffered for a very long time.
I’m sort of old which means I have suffered more than some of you younger Chiefs fans out there.
How old? Some of you younger Chiefs fans out there are asking.
So old that I bet my brother 50 cents the Chiefs would beat the Green Bay Packers in the very first Super Bowl in 1967.
That 50-cent bet turned out to be sort of problematic for three reasons.
Reason No. 1: I didn’t actually have 50 cents when I made the bet.
Reason No. B: The Chiefs lost that game.
Reason No. III: Since we were living in Okinawa, the game I bet on had already been played the week before and we were watching a tape-delayed game something my brother knew and I did not.
OK, maybe in my case, I should be described as a “long-suffering and extremely stupid Chiefs fan.”
For the past 50 plus years, Chiefs teams have been-in no particular order-very good, average, very bad, very, very bad, sort of good, sort of bad, very, very good and now very, very, very good.
Don’t get me wrong here. I’m glad the Chiefs are very, very, very good now but in terms of TV watching it was easier to watch the Chiefs when they were very, very bad. Because when the Chiefs were very, very bad my expectations were very, very low.
It’s hard to conjure up the emotion to yell at the TV when your expectations are very, very low.
But now the Chiefs are very, very, very good and I’m uneasy with that. I know there is a very good chance the Chiefs will win the Super Bowl on Sunday when they face the team led by the 58-year-old Tom Brady.
But I also know there is a chance the team led by 78-year-old Tom Brady will win on Sunday.
So, I’m uneasy.
But not as uneasy as I would have been if the Chiefs hadn’t won the Super Bowl last year. The fact the Chiefs won the Super Bowl last year and managed to make it back this year has me in somewhat of a Zen-like state.
I want the Chiefs to win and I’m somewhat confident they will. But, if for some reason they don’t win, I’ll wish 96-year-old Tom Brady well and be proud of the Chiefs for playing in back-to-back Super Bowls.
And I won’t upset the dog.