I thought we would get free drinks.
That’s right. The thought of free drinks was one of the reasons I suggested my wife and I get married in Key West, Florida.
It wasn’t the only reason but it was one of the reasons.
Another reason I suggested we get married in Key West was I liked reading Hemingway and listening to Jimmy Buffett music.
So, between Hemingway, Jimmy Buffett and the prospect of free drinks, Key West sounded like a good place for us to get married.
I mean, as long as you’re getting married you might as well do it in Key West.
You know, to take the edge off of getting married.
Have you ever said or written something that you know is going to get you in trouble?
Oh well, my wife was probably going to get mad at me for something anyway. Might as well get it over with now.
That, by the way, is the way a veteran husband thinks. Look, you’re going get in trouble at some point so why not go ahead and get it over with?
It’s sort of like ripping a band-aid off all at once instead of slowly peeling it off.
My wife and I got married in 1991 and Key West at that time was a very different town than it is today.
Of course Key West in 1991 was also a very different town than it was in the early 1970s when Jimmy Buffet first visited the island.
For example, when we got married in Key West, bales of marijuana weren’t washing up onto the shore all the time.
My wife and I flew into Miami on a Friday, rented a car and headed south on A1A for the three-hour drive to Key West.
We took our time on the drive because there was so much to see. Well, I took my time, my wife, for some reason seemed to be anxious to get to Marathon, Florida, before 5 p.m.
“Relax,” I said to my wife. “What’s the rush?”
“BECAUSE YOU BIG MORON IF WE DON’T GET TO MARATHON BEFORE THE COURT HOUSE CLOSES, WE CAN’T GET OUR MARRIAGE LICENSE WHICH MEANS WE CAN’T GET MARRIED ON SATURDAY!!!!”
“Oh,” I said.
I was going to say I didn’t know you needed a license to get married but I figured the trip was already getting off to a rocky enough start.
So I picked up the pace a bit and got us to the courthouse in Marathon. I parked the car, we walked into the courthouse and in a few minutes had our marriage license.
We got to Key West shortly after 5 p.m. and drove around a bit taking in the sights.
Well, when I say we “drove around a bit taking in the sights” what I mean is we drove around a bit trying to find the “(extremely bad word) hotel” where we would be staying.
But, after a few wrong turns, we found our hotel, parked, unloaded our luggage, trudged into the office and checked in.
We were tired. We were cranky. We were hungry. We were thirsty. We were sick of each other.
After we got the key to our room, we walked out of the office through a small courtyard, walked past a beautiful swimming pool, turned a corner and sitting at a table on an outdoor patio were my Uncle Jim and Aunt Ev who had driven down for our wedding.
On the table was a big bowl of paella they bought at a Cuban restaurant across the street. Also on the table was a bottle of chilled white wine.
Suddenly we were not so tired. We were not so cranky and soon we wouldn’t be so hungry or thirsty.
Some of you may be thinking, “But Mike, you didn’t say “We were not so sick of each other.”
To some of you thinking that all I can say is, “Well it was a long trip.”
The next day, we explored Key West a bit, then went back to the hotel and spent the few hours before our wedding relaxing by the pool.
Well, my wife and my Aunt Ev spent a few hours relaxing by the pool. My Uncle Jim and I – after I asked him if I should have gotten flowers for my wife for the wedding-spent part of the afternoon frantically trying to find a florist still open on a Saturday afternoon in Key West.
When we finally found one open I ran up to the nice lady behind the counter and calmy said ,“QUICK. IT’S AN EMERGENCY. I’M GETTING MARRIED IN A FEW HOURS AND I NEED FLOWERS. WHAT DO YOU HAVE!!!!!!!?????”
The lady looked at me for a second and then she said “Why are you talking in all caps and why did you end that last sentence with both exclamation points and question marks.”
OK, she really didn’t say that but you have to admit it would have been a good question.
No, what nice lady said was, “I have some pink roses.”
To which I calmy replied, “FINE. I’LL TAKE ONE DOZEN!!!!!!!!!!”
When we got back to the hotel, my wife asked me where Jim and I had gone. Since I couldn’t exactly tell my wife I had forgotten to get her flowers for our wedding I told what I figured she would believe.
“We went to get a couple of beers.”
My wife rolled her eyes and said “What a surprise.”
It wasn’t exactly a ,“Louis, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship” moment but it could have been worse.
In our next episode I will tell you about our actual wedding, on an actual boat, on the actual ocean.
And, of course, I’ll finally tell you who the hell Vidal is.
Oh, and I’ll you about all those free drinks we didn’t get.