Things are heating up on the wedding planning front.

And, in case you’re wondering (and why would you be?) I’m not exactly reporting to you from the wedding planning front lines.

I’m more behind the lines. You know, like the old military expression, “In the rear, with the gear.”

Hey, I’ve been to the wedding planning front lines and I didn’t like it. For one thing, when you’re at the wedding planning front lines you hear exactly how much the wedding planning things cost.

I’m man enough to admit that after few minutes on the wedding planning front lines; in order to survive, I calmly covered my ears with my hands and starting-again calmly-yelling, “NAHNAHNAHNAHNAH I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!!!”

So, I’m in the rear with the gear.

I probably should remind people that the wedding planning is being done for our daughter Emma’s upcoming wedding.

Even from my-shall we say-distance I noticed, for a while, things had calmed down wedding-planning wise.

One reason I noticed things had calmed down wedding-planning wise is because I didn’t hear my wife screaming and unleashing shocking, yet impressive amounts of profanity.

Oh sure, wedding planning stuff was still going on but it was sort of like the way  ducks swim.

All the work is happening underwater.

“Mike,” some of you may be asking, “Are you really comparing your wife’s wedding planning work to the way  ducks swim?”

To those of you who are asking that I can only say “Uh, now that you put it that way, why don’t we just forget that whole ducks swimming thing.”

One of the things that has caused an increased temperature in the wedding planning was some sort of minor snafu with the invitations.

And when I use the expression “minor snafu” I mean it in the sense that the  crash of the Hindenburg was a minor snafu.

As part of the whole wedding planning big picture I should point out that in addition to planning Emma’s wedding in Key West, Florida, my wife is also planning a large wedding reception in Kansas City, Missouri.

That’s right. A wedding in Key West, followed by a large wedding reception in Kansas City.

I know what some of you are thinking. Some of you are thinking “Uh, Mike, is you wife insane?”

To some of you thinking that all I can say is “We haven’t officially had her tested yet.”

Some of you also might be thinking, “Mike does that mean you have to endure two fairly large social events? If so, isn’t that the sort of thing you will hate? And if so, have you told your wife how you feel about that? And if not, why not?”

To some of you thinking that all I can say is, “The reason I haven’t told my wife how I feel about having to sit through two large social events is the same reason I haven’t shoved a lit cigar up my nose.”

Probably not worth it.

Besides, according to my wife, one of the reasons she is planning a wedding in Key West and a large reception in Kansas City is my fault.

Apparently, my being from a large Catholic family , has thrown a sizable wrench into the wedding planning.

See, if we include my side of the family in the wedding we’re talking about-and I’m just spit-balling here-759 extra people.

It’s possible that number is a slight exaggeration.

So my wife decided, in order to keep the costs of the actual wedding in Key West within the GDP of a mid-sized third world country, we would limit the guests at the Key West wedding to members of the wedding party and immediate family only.

Then, later, have a reception in Kansas City for everyone else.

“But Mike,” some of you may be asking, “Will that really keep the total cost of the wedding down?”

To those of you asking that all I can say is, “I don’t actually know.”

The snafu my wife is dealing with is the fact that the invitations to the wedding reception in Kansas City arrived the other day but the invitations to the wedding in Key West did not.

I KNOW!!!

So, my wife spent much of Tuesday evening on the phone talking to all sorts of people trying to find out how the snafu occurred and what to do about it.

To be helpful I asked if maybe we should calm down and wait for the Key West invitations to arrive.

Turns out I wasn’t helpful.

I know that now!

So , during the next few weeks of the wedding planning, if anyone is looking for me, you know where you can find me.

In the rear, with the gear.