This was published in the April 18, 2018 edition of the Joplin Globe.

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I’m mad at Anheuser Busch.

Well, technically I’m mad at the advertising agency that Anheuser-Busch uses to sell its light beer. Over the years the advertising agency has produced a number of television commercials designed to get people to drink light beer. For the most part the commercials have been funny and entertaining, and there is a reason for that: The adverting agency is trying to get people to drink light beer.

Have you ever tried light beer? Don’t. It’s terrible.

Please understand, folks at Anheuser Busch, that I’m not saying your light beer is terrible, I’m saying all light beer is terrible.

I guess my problem may be not so much with the beer itself but with the idea of light beer.

Would you eat light baby back ribs?

Would you eat a light T-bone steak?

Would you hit a plate of light spicy chicken wings?

Of course not, so why would you drink light beer?

Now I happen to know a number of people who do drink light beer. They do so because they think it’s healthier and that it “doesn’t taste as bad as you think it does.”

As I’ve said many times: We don’t judge in this column. If you want to drink light beer, I will respect your decision … unless you try to bring some to my house.

The reason I’m mad at Anheuser-Busch’s advertising agency is because of its new ad campaign set in a mythical medieval British kingdom where, for some reason, everyone says, “Dilly Dilly.”

I’m not sure why everyone says, “Dilly Dilly,” but it apparently is high praise.

I kind of like the commercials. I think they’re sort of odd in an original way. Sometimes “odd in an original way” can be very funny. I think that’s the reason I loved “Monty Python’s Flying Circus.” Virtually everything about Monty Python was odd in an original way. Think about it. Have you ever watched a Monty Python skit and said, “Oh, great, another dead parrot bit”?

But the latest “Dilly Dilly” commercial is causing great distress at our house. It’s the commercial set in a pub when they run out of light beer. When the bartender announces that he is out of beer, another guy pulls down on a heavy rope and a loud bell rings, which is the signal for the king to burst in with more beer.

The loud bell sounds exactly like our doorbell, so when the guy pulls the rope, our German shepherd, Shilo, thinks someone is at our door, causing her to go into full attack, which naturally causes our assistant dog, Caicos, to join in.

Here what usually happens: I’m watching a baseball game, and there is a commercial break. Naturally I get up to get a beer, so I don’t notice the “Dilly Dilly” commercial coming on until it’s too late.

TV: “And that’s the third out.”

Me: “Time to get a beer.”

TV: “We’re out of Bud Light.”

Me: “Oh (bad word).”

TV: “DONG.”

Shilo: “WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!”

Me: “SHILO, IT’S JUST THE TV!”

Caicos: “WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!”

After desperately trying to avoid getting knocked down by Shilo and Caicos as they rush to the door, I have to move them out of the way, open the front door and show them that nobody is there, which confuses the heck of them. After I get the dogs calmed down, I go back into the family room only to find the game is going into another break, so I get another beer. While I’m doing that, I hear, “We’re out of Bud Light,” and the whole thing starts all over again.

Sigh. Did I mention I hate light beer?