2007: The year in preview (Part 2)

This column first appeared in the Joplin Globe on December 28, 2006.

Well, the fact that I didn’t hear anything from Rosie O’Donnell leads me to believe it’s safe to continue with my annual look forward.

So today we complete “2007: A Year in Preview.”

July: The nation’s economy hits a slight speed bump as the price of gas rises from a relatively modest $5.79 a gallon to $27.99. A Big Oil executive denies that the spike in price has anything to do with the fact that the summer driving season is officially under way. Then he buys Europe.

In response, a furious Democrat-controlled Congress immediately launches a series of hearings into the Dick Cheney hunting accident.

In sports, the NBA playoffs, which began in February, finally end. In a frantic championship game, the Miami Heat defeat the Los Angeles Lakers by a score of 456 to 455. No one seems to notice.

Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump get into a fight with the guy Dick Cheney shot.

August: With gas prices now at a record $77.99 a gallon, American consumers begin to think about “maybe someday cutting back on our driving just a little bit.” Meanwhile, Ford Motor Co. launches a new line of super-sized, jumbo, mega-SUVs that get a whopping three miles per gallon. Most people buy two.

With an approval rating of 2, George Bush heads to his ranch in Crawford, Texas, for a brief, two-month “working vacation.” No one seems to notice.

In entertainment news, Michael Richards’ comeback attempt hits a snag when, during an appearance in Nome, Alaska, he tells an off-color joke involving an Eskimo and two polar bears.

Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump get into a shouting match with an Eskimo.

September: As the summer driving season winds down, the price of gas falls back to a more reasonable $20.99 a gallon. Faced with diminished profits, the Big Oil executive is forced to sublet Scotland.

In politics, Hillary Clinton announces that she has raised “like 27 jillion dollars” and says she is close to deciding if she is considering whether to run for president.

Meanwhile, John Kerry announces that he has raised “about 30 bucks” for his presidential run. No one seems to notice.

In sports, New York Yankees outfielder Babe Ruth is suspended for violating the league’s hot-dog policy. George Steinbrenner immediately trades his own soul for the soul of “Shoeless” Joe Jackson. The deal falls through when Steinbrenner’s soul fails to a pass the required physical.

Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump are seen holding hands and shopping for china.

October: Work on a fence designed to run the length of the Mexican border is halted when immigration officials discover that the fence actually is being built along the border between North and South Dakota. No one seems to notice.

In Washington, Republican members of Congress vow to block Democrat-controlled hearings into George Bush’s pronunciation of the word terror by “lying on the floor and kicking their feet.”

In baseball, the Kansas City Royals defeat the New York Yankees to win the American League pennant. An enraged George Steinbrenner fires “everyone in America.” Two weeks later, the Kansas City Royals defeat the St. Louis Cardinals in seven games.

In a related story, the devil announces that for some reason it’s “getting really cold down here.”

Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump announce they will be married in December.

November: With the holiday season officially under way, the price of a gallon of gas rises to an unprecedented $279.99 a gallon. To celebrate, a Big Oil executive buys the rights to the phrase “Who’s your daddy?”

In television news, Fox launches a new reality show starring Mel Gibson and Michael Richards. Executives say the new show — titled “Guess Who’s NOT Coming to Dinner” — will be tasteful, “in a racist sort of way.”

In a related story, Rush Limbaugh accuses Stevie Wonder of “pretending to be blind to sell more records.” No one seems to notice.

And in order to show her serious commitment to Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnell announces that after the couple’s marriage, she will adopt Trump’s hair.

December: Nancy Pelosi announces plans to launch a series of hearings into President Bush’s pardon of the holiday turkey. Meanwhile, Bush, with an approval rating of minus 1, holds his first news conference in four months. No one seems to notice.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt announce that they will name their second child Trigger. Meanwhile, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise announce that they will name their second child Done. The baby, the couple explain, will be named after Cruise’s career.

And finally, Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump are married in an elaborate ceremony in New York City. Later, at the couple’s wedding reception, Danny DeVito throws up all over their gifts.