Maybe I should get a hobby.
By the way, you know you’ve been spending too much time social distancing at home when you start off a column with “Sigh”.
See, in the newspaper world in which I used to work, the first line of a news story or a column was called the lede. I was told the lede was very important in the newspaper world. You want to know how important the lede is to people in the newspaper world? So important newspaper people spell it “Lede” instead of “Lead”.
Newspaper people are weird.
If I was still working for a newspaper and started a column with, “Sigh” I’m pretty sure an editor would change “Sigh” to “Whom.”
Editors are weird newspaper people.
The reason I think I should get a hobby is because I seem to have more time to screw around than usual. And, when you have extra time to screw around, someone eventually will come up to you and let’s say-see you sitting on your three-season porch drinking a beer and watching “SpongeBob Square Pants” (to use a hypothetical example) and say “You need to get a hobby.”
The problem is I’m no good at hobbies. When I was a kid, I had friends who had hobbies. You know, kid hobbies like dinosaurs, or building model cars and planes, or collecting stuff.
But when I was a kid I thought dinosaurs were stupid, I was lousy at building model cars and planes and couldn’t think of anything worth collecting.
So I mainly played sports and began developing a keen ability to screw around.
As an adult, I met many adults who had hobbies. You know, adult hobbies, like antique cars, or stamp collecting or meth-making.
Wait, that last one isn’t so much a hobby as it is a felony. I suppose I shouldn’t have to tell you this but it’s probably not a good idea to pick a felony for your hobby.
See, I think if instead of screwing around, I used my free time to come up with a hobby, I will have managed to make productive use of my social distancing.
The problem, as I think I’ve established, is finding the right hobby.
I like to drink beer and watch sports on TV but that’s not so much a hobby as it is a way of life. Besides, there are no sports on TV to watch right now, so, at best, the only thing I could do is drink beer.
And, again, that’s not so much a hobby as it is a way of life.
Some people play golf for a hobby but, to me, golf is not so much a hobby as it is a complete waste of time.
Now, some of you out there are probably thinking, “But Mike, isn’t drinking beer and watching sports a complete waste of time?”
To some of you thinking that I say, “Yes, yes, it is. Especially if the sport you are watching is golf.”
Some people like to collect things for a hobby but again, to me, collecting things for a hobby is just one step away from hoarding.
When we were younger, my wife and I, when we traveled, liked to buy shot glasses from the places we traveled. But after a while, we ran out of places to keep them so we stopped. To this day, we know that somewhere in our house there are roughly 50 or 60 shot glasses. We just don’t know where.
Actually that’s a pretty scary thought when you think about it.
So I probably shouldn’t think about it.
Some you who are reading this might be thinking, “But Mike, what about reading?”
To some of you thinking that I say, “Reading shouldn’t be a hobby. Reading should just be something you do. You know, like drinking beer.”
As I’m typing this, I think I have come up with a viable hobby. I think I’ll spend the next several weeks coming up with and shooting down hobby ideas.
That way, when-again-using a hypothetical example-my wife tells me to put the beer down, turn off “SpongeBob Squarepants” and get a hobby I can tell her I’m way ahead of her.
Wait, maybe, telling my wife I’m way ahead of her should have been my lede.
Or is it lead?