A new visionary system

I’ve got a new glasses system.

I’m not good with glasses. It’s not that I don’t know how to wear them it’s…what?

Oh, you thought I meant drinking glasses. You thought this was going to be a column about wine or martinis or cold glasses for beer.

By the way, have you ever ordered a bottle of beer at a restaurant or bar, then been offered a glass to pour the beer in, and when given the glass find out that it’s not chilled?

Not to be snobby here but I fail to see the point of pouring a chilled bottle of beer into a non-chilled glass.

But maybe that’s just me.

Now, where was I?

Oh right, my glasses system.

I tend to lose my glasses. Well, not lose them in the sense that some people at the Lake of the Ozark lost their minds over the weekend.

I mean in the sense of setting your glasses down, walking away, then saying, “Where are my glasses?” then spending the next 15 minutes looking for them while your wife asks, “Well, where did you have them last?” and you wanting to say “(Bad word) it! If I knew where I had them last, I would know where they are so quit (Very bad word) asking me that question.” But you don’t because…well…why make an already bad situation worse.

You know, in that sense.

Because I’m a person of a certain age I don’t need to wear glasses all of the time. Mainly I only need to wear glasses when I’m reading or working on the computer. But since I spend a lot of time reading or working on the computer my glasses are sort of important to me.

Last year when I got new glasses, I opted to purchase a second, back-up pair. In the past, I would just use my old glasses as a backup but I decided to splurge a bit.

The idea was to put my back-up glasses in a safe space and only use them in some sort of glasses emergency.

That was the idea.

The reality was I used both pairs of glasses. So, if I misplaced one pair, I could always count on have another pair nearby. This worked pretty well for a while.

But then I started misplacing both pairs of glasses. Then instead of looking for one pair, I was looking for two pairs.

It was enough to-as the late, great George Miller used to say- make a grown man angry.

Almost as bad as misplacing glasses is walking downstairs without them then, realizing you left them upstairs, having to go back up the stairs, get them, walk back downstairs, then asking yourself why in the (bad word) you walked downstairs in the first place.

To use a hypothetical example.

That hypothetical example, however, is what prompted me to develop my new glasses system. From now on, my plan is to always leave one pair of glasses downstairs and one pair upstairs.

That way, if I misplace a pair, I only have to look on one floor of the house at a time. Reducing my searching area by…let’s see I think I have to divide something by something, then move a decimal point to the right, or maybe the left, and then I come up with the following figure…137 percent.

Somebody might want to check my math on that one.

So far, my system has been working fairly well. And, when I say “fairly well” I mean “only slightly better than my old system.”

The problem is I sometimes forget which pair are my downstairs glasses and which are my upstairs glasses.

When that happens, I  find myself with two pairs of glasses upstairs and no glasses downstairs which requires me to go upstairs, find a pair of glasses and take them back downstairs.

Then I go back upstairs, work a while using my upstairs glasses until I  go downstairs to get a beer. For some reason, I decided to pour my beer into a glass and take it back upstairs with me.

Then, when I get back upstairs, I discover I poured my chilled bottle of beer into a non-chilled glass.


Seriously, what were those morons at the Lake of the Ozarks thinking?